BY: ddm (except where indicated)
- You have ever seen a lady neatly take her hat off and place it on the seat before she danced.
- You can imitate your pastor's tongues.
- All the children in the church can imitate everyone's dance.
- The name of your church was changed and the word Greater was added to it.
- The church has a new organist or choir director every month.
- The offering on the FIRST Sunday of the month takes thirty minutes to raise.
- The offering during the Pastor's & Wife's Appreciation takes two hours to raise.
- You know what a Trinity offering is.
- You can tell what time it is by which member walks through the door.
- You have been to 13 different churches for anniversary services during the year.
- You have ever given $3.00 in an anniversary offering.
- You have ever heard someone say, "I thank and praise God..." more than five times during a testimony.
- The announcement for the day include... "The kitchen will be selling chicken sandwiches in the fellowship hall after service."
- Women walk around in slides or house shoes after church.
- The preacher says; "Y'all don't hear me," after every other thought.
- You are always turning, touching your neighbor, and telling them something through out the service.
- You have ever said, "Oh, Lord. There goes Sis. Soinso again."
- You know how to do the double syncopated handclap.
- You know how to beat a tambourine something fierce.
- The Sunday School teachers are always late for Sunday School.
- The leader of an auxiliary has to bribe you to come to a meeting by telling you that there will be free food.
- You know how to strip someone's choir robe off them while they are shouting.
- You have ever seen a towel or sheet come flying across the altar.
- You have ever thrown a towel or sheet across the altar.
- You know when the pastor is going to tune up because of the riff he does before he gets started.
- The organist tunes the preacher up when he is praying.
- Your pastor's name includes Apostle, Bishop, or Prophet.
- You have ever ducked to keep from being hit by a lady's hat while she is dancing.
- Your first lady is a Missionary or an Evangelist.
- You can tell when a lady's hat does not match her shoes.
- You know when Sis. Somebody is not at church because you can't hear her voice when the pastor is preaching.
- The organist gets up from the organ when the preacher gets up to begin preaching and returns just before the preacher tunes up.
- You can tell by the subject of the pastor's sermon who is going to be on the altar that Sunday.
- The pastor has received a pair of shoes as a gift for Pastor & Wife's Anniversary.
- The host church at an anniversary service calls for the Program Directress of the visiting church.
- The preacher has ever said one of these phrases… Y'all don't like me. Ain't nobody talkin' to me. Are you with me?
- The cushions in the seats have to be flipped over because one of the sides is dirty.
- The ushers stare at you or ignore you when you are signaling them.
- Somebody is always selling tickets to some function happening at the church.
- Every auxiliary in the church has a fundraiser or special service the month before the Pastor and Wife's Appreciation service.
- You have been stripped out of your choir robe while you were shouting. (from Valerie)
- You have ever felt a shout coming on. (from Valerie)
- The preacher has said, "I fell my help in here." (from Valerie)
- The preacher begins to sing the "Yes, Lord" praise to calm people down when they are shouting. (from Valerie)
- You start your testimony off with... "First giving honor to God, who is the head of my. Giving honor to the pastor, the first lady, the ministers on the roster, members, saints, and friends. (from Valerie)
- You have ever said, "I want to sing my testimony this evening." (from Valerie)
- You know what the National Fast Days of the week are.
- You know what someone means when they say, "Hold me up," on the National Fast Days.
- You smell chicken or fish frying during a convention service. (from Donna)
- You know you are going to Memphis in November.
- The name of your church was changed and the word Institutional was added to it.
- You know to wear black on Official's Day and to wear white on Women's Day.
- You have heard, "Don't leave yet, we are going to take up an offering for the speaker this evening."
- During choir rehearsal, everyone is made to sing by themselves because one person is singing off key.
- You have ever shouted at a funeral.
- It's ok if the missionaries and mothers spit in your face while you tarry at the altar. (from Joyce)
- The phrase "I feel something in here" is said more than five times during praise service. (from Joyce)
- Mal. 3:10 is the most quoted scripture during the offering. (from Joyce)
- The preacher tells you to run around the church three times and God will deliver. (from Joyce)
- People are tipping out of church during the offering or right before the benediction.
- At a musical, the guest choir sings their two songs and then leaves.
- Everyone is Holy in their holiness, reverent in their reverence, and deep in their deepness. (from JBM)
- You have been at the altar and you have heard, give up, turn it loose, or let go.
- You have ever been kicked while someone is dancing.
- You have ever kicked someone while you were shouting.
- You can only hear the music and you can't understand a word that the choir is singing. (from Veronica)
- The First Lady has a special day every three months. (from Veronica)
- The offering is counted is front of the church and the officers come back and ask the church for $30.00 more dollars. (from Veronica)
- If for the choir anniversary they have special uniform colors (i.e. Pink & Burgundy or Light Blue & Dark Blue) and they have a New Special processional. (from Angela)
- If you miss your best friend in the choir because she has been sat down cause she is pregnant. (from Angela)
- There is a line of little boys at the drums with sticks in hand just wishing for a chance to play the shout music!
- The sodas sold after service are either Hy-Top, Big K, or some other off-brand soda. (from JBM)
- The only pieces of chicken that are served are legs and thighs.
- Every week, the one of the preachers mention, "God can get in the computer and change your credit rating."
- If when a guest evangelist comes to town and prophesies that there are going to be marriages in the church, all the single folk go to dancing.
- You have been paying on something called the "church building fund" for years, but haven't seen a building yet. (from Tara)
- You stay after service on the first Sunday to drink the rest of the communion juice. (from Tara)
- If the preacher won't stop laying hands on you until you fall. (from Brian)
- You leave the altar with your head drenched in oil. (from Brian)
- After you get prayed for you have a crowd of people in both ears saying "Tell em thank ya, come on tell em thank ya, thank ya thank ya open yo mouth." (from Brian)
- Your pastor drives a Lincoln or Cadillac. (from Brian)
- A child is getting the snot beat out of him or her with a switch for not paying attention. (from Brian)
- If everybody is looking at you crazy for not dressing up. (from Brian)
- You see more than two rhinestone-covered hats per Sunday. (from Brian)
- You have ever asked the question what exactly does the mothers board do. (from Brian)
- The pastor asks everybody to excuse him for just a minute before he shouts. (from Brian)
- There are crutches on the walls of the church. (from Brian)
- The ushers guard the doors during the altar call. (from Brian)
- The preacher starts his sermon by saying, "I won't be before you long", and preaches for an hour. (from Brian)
- The local KFC is always glad to see members of your church when they come in the door. (from Brian)
- The new choir director says, "I am the most creative choir director you will ever encounter."
If you would like to add your own to this list,
Just email it to: bpchurch@mrsboone.com
And it will be added to the list.
You can include your name if you would like credit.
