God Is Good!

God is good!

Excuse me, I feel like gettin' my praise on. Join me if you feel it.

The Saga

Here's the whole Saga with D and I from the beginning to this point.

:: He Emailed Me
:: Email To D & From D
:: D's Nails
:: There They Go Again
:: Slapped Upside the Head
:: Email to D About 4-2-03
:: The Saga Continues
:: Here It Goes Again
:: Why It Always Gotta Be Me?
:: It Ain't Right
:: My Feet Are Pointed Straight
:: Frustration & Them Thangs

Here is some poetry that is related to the whole saga.

:: Hypnotic Spell
:: Thoughts Back
:: A Brief Moment
:: The Spell Is Gone
:: Spiraling Down

Frustration & Them Thangs

I still want to talk to Mama I about the added things to this saga. I like talking to her and Mama S. Although most of the time with both of them, the end up telling me about their issues. I have nearly given up trying to find a listener like me to talk to. I am probably one of a very few people who can listen without discussing my issues and dispensing unrequested advice. Jerry always dispenses advice unrequested, all the time; so for me, he is a last, very last resort. He gives good advice, but you haven't asked for it most of the time.

********************

I think Mama M is po-ed at me. She said some things in an email, some harsh things. I responded back harshly. I was having a rough day and I didn't like what she said and the way she said it. I felt the need to say how I felt. She responded back and told me to get a life, in those words.

She told Jerry about it and showed him the emails. Jerry, who goes off on whoever is standing in front of him at the time, tells me that I should not have responded in the manner that I did. Oh well, Mama M is po-ed at me. At this moment, I really don't care either.

I was trying to let Mama M be my confidant because she is sweet and touchy feely, but I always end up back to Mama I and Mama S. Mama S says that I think I want that sweet, touchy feely love, but what I really want is some tough, tell it like it is love. She might be right because both Mama S and Mama I have the same exact personality type.

Lord, have mercy on me.

********************

Why does Jerry have me passing notes from Mama M to Papa W. Jerry has his number and he can make a phone call. I ain't his secretary!

My Feet Are Pointed Straight

Last night during Bishop's exhortations at church, Bishop hit my toes, my legs, and my arm. He began talking about having to apologize when you don't feel that you did anything wrong. Then he said that sometimes, you have to make sure that you are right, so that your heart and conscious will be clear.

All I could say was, "Yes, Lord!"

After service, I apologized to N. Now, My feet are pointed in a straight path!

It Ain't Right

I have been thinking about my having to apologize to N. Part of me feels that it is necessary. The other part of me is like nig- PLEASE. Why I gotta apologize. I ain't done nothing.

It just don't seem fair, but as my mama so elegantly put it… "I want my feet pointed in a straight path!"

I wonder where she got that from.

Why It Always Gotta Be Me?

Jerry, Mama I, and I went to On the Border. It was enjoyable and fun. We did the usual routine, talked, etc. As we were driving home, Jerry and I began discussing life, etc. We got on the subject of D. I opened my mouth and said that I had probably flirted with D in front of N, unknowingly. Jerry said that I needed to apologize to her. Then Jerry said that God told him to tell me
to apologize.

Here It Goes Again

Well, the saga with D continues. I found out that he and N have been dating/whatever for over a year. I be dog gone. I know that during that time, I have done something flirtatious with him and probably in front of N.

Just when I think it’s over… Here it goes again!

The Saga Continues

I talked to Mama I earlier about the whole D situation. She let me get it all out. I shed a few tears.

It really hurts. The nigga lied to me at least 3 times.WHY?I really don’t get it. Mama I told me not to say anything to him at all, but I really want to. She said that I need to wait until the hurt, pain, and anger is resolved.

It felt good talking to Mama I. Her and Mama S have been blessings in my life. I’ll tell them one day.

No Spring Chicken

I have been added to a journal list called No Spring Chicken. It is a list for people over 30 who have diaries. Now, I know that I am getting old.

Email to D About 4-2-03

Dear D,

Your news on Wednesday hit me like a ton of bricks. I was expecting you to say, "Deartra, N and I are dating." Not "Deartra, N and I are engaged."

I had already figured out that you and N had something more going on than you were saying. If you think about it, I hadn't flirted with you too much in a long while. I am just hurt that you couldn't tell me sooner about you and N.

I had asked you several times if you and N had something going on. You always told me no. Then I find out on Wednesday, that you all not only have something going on, but you all are engaged. You lied to me. I thought we had a better relationship than that. Man, you lied to me.

The best way I can explain to you how I feel is like this...

I walk into church one evening to see you and N standing in front of Bishop and he is performing a wedding ceremony. I walk down the side of the aisle and look at you. You look at me and shrug your shoulders.

You don't need to worry about me obsessing over you or anything. Long ago, I got over my feelings for you.

I am happy for you and I wish you and N the best.

We're still friends,
deartra

P.S. I wouldn't talk to Jerry for awhile. You lied to him, too. He is far less understanding when people lie to him than I am.

*****

I called him and left him a message to check his email. I'll let you know what happens later on.

Slapped Upside the Head

Well, I got slapped upside the head tonight. My thoughts about D and N were finally confirmed by D. What he told me was not what I expected. Get this, D told me that they are engaged. I be good googamooga, engaged.

All I said to him was ok. He kept asking me why was that all I was saying. I was thinking, "Nigga, I was expecting you to say that you all were dating, not that you all were engaged. You have lied to me more than once. You really don't want me to say what I am thinking."

I thought D and I were at least friends. I thought he could have told me this before now. I told that nigga stuff I very rarely tell anyone. See, that's why I dislike making friends. You get close to them and then something crazy happens.

He said that he was going to call me because we needed to talk. I don't really want to talk to him.

I am going to write D an email. I will be able to say what I feel that way.

Bad Day, Good Word

I have had a horrible day so far today. I decided to write an email to two mailing list groups that I am on. I felt a lot better after I wrote the email.

Later on that day...

I received a call from ProStaff. The person on the phone says that they are submitting my resume to a company that has a position open.

Thank you Lord for the good news. I needed it.

Gray Hair - Ugh!

I just saw a gray hair while combing my hair. Ugh!

I have to wait until Jerry gets home because he is the one that always pulls my gray hairs out for me. I don't have the nerve to pull them out myself. This is gray hair number 4.

I am getting old ya'll. Ugh!

Allergies

My allergies are acting a fool with me. Last night at church, I didn't have a jacket on. I went out with my father to do some stuff for his ministry. When I got home, I just had time to put my stuff down and then walk out of the door to church. I didn't get a jacket. I walked around outside without a jacket on and it was cold. The wind was blowing and I had on a short sleeved dress.

Today, I am suffering. I have been coughing, sneezing, snotting, and things of that nature.

I will be glad when I get over this stuff.

Lent & CBN

I was recently watching CBN with Pat Robertson. I have begun to watch it. I figured since I was sitting around at the house these days, I might as well get some religion while I was at it.

CBN is doing something special for the men in the service and over in Iraq. They are fasting and praying for Lent. I have decided to participate in Lent. I have decided to give up sodas, juice, and kool-aid. Lent is supposed to last until 4/13/2003.

It feels good to do something as a group. The United States is banning together. It is a shame that it always takes a tragedy to pull people together.

Happened Again

Well, it happened again. I have been laid off from the GLCCC, my dad's ministry. Lord, have mercy.

Can I ask a question? How do you get laid-off working for the Lord?

Twice, while working in ministry, I have lost my job. I am not understanding. My life feels so out of control. I have no idea what I want to do or what to do. I feel so lost . I just feel lost. What is happening to my life?

Whether anyone will admit it or not, there is alot of pain and hurt behind what happened at TTCA. It has not been resolved. I doubt that it will ever be resolved. I supposed that's the way things go. You live and learn, grow and go.

My dad is pissed off because someone used his name and his proposal and received grant money. Another person absconded with funds from the ministry. Lord, this stuff is a trip.

Jerry, finds it amusing. I find it heartbreaking.

Lord, please help me. Is all I can think to say.

Fragrance Fresheners

I bought a new fragrance freshener. The world is always trying to create something new to freshen a room. I bought a peach one and a cucumber melon one. The cucumber melon one smells very nice. They are supposed to last for a month. I hope they do.

There They Go Again

Well, there they go again. D and N were sitting together in church tonight. They have got to have something going on despite the fact that D keeps telling me that they don't. Jerry has asked D too, but D has told Jerry no as well.

It's over. Well, it was never meant to be.

That's that. I guess that's the way love goes. In my case, I never do anything the easy way. I always have to go the hard way.

Excuse me whilst I pray,
Lord, help to get over the feelings that I felt for D. I know I never had a chance with him. Give me the strength to overcome the hurt and pain that I feel.

LaDawnya's World Redone

LaDawnya's World is finally redone. I have updated all of the sites and redid everything. It is looking very nice. I have moved the site to a new server and supposedly I have an unlimited amount of space. Hopefully, I do.

Give Me A Minute

It may be awhile before I add an entry to my diary. I am redoing the LaDawnya's World Sites. I haven't been able to update them in a long time. Since I have my new computer, I plan to do that for a minute. I'll holler back after I get through updating LaDawnya's World.

Until then,

I am Walking in the F.O.G. (Favor of God)

Stupid Things We Do

My computer finally got through transferring the information. I deleted the files off my old computer. I looked at my new computer. Alot of my gif files were not transferred over. Ain't that 'bout a trip. I can't believe that. Well, that's my fault for not checking into things a little better. Most of the gifs were the gifs I use in LaDawnya's World. I have all of the ppts and mics that I created them in, so it will be easy enough to recreate them. The others I will have to download off the net.

Those stupid things we do.

Still Transferring

I am still transferring information from my old computer to my new computer. It has been four days and it is still going. Lord, have mercy. Did I have that much information on my old computer?

Dude, I Got A DELL!

Well, I just got my new computer.

Excuse me, I feel a praise coming on. If you want to, you can dance with me.

"When I think about Jesus, and what He's done for me. When I think about Jesus, and how He set me free, I can dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, all night."

********************

Okay, I'm back.

My new computer is fast. Good grief. I didn't know that a computer could move that fast. I am about to transfer my information from my old computer to my new computer. This may take awhile.

Computer Tales

Well, I have had it with my computer. It is slow. Very, very slow. I am getting a new as soon as I get my check from my father. I can't wait until I get the computer.

I may even break into a dance. I am planning on getting a DELL.

Lord, help me not to throw this old computer I have now out of the window.