The Saga

Here's the whole Saga with D and I from the beginning to this point.

:: He Emailed Me
:: Email To D & From D
:: D's Nails
:: There They Go Again
:: Slapped Upside the Head
:: Email to D About 4-2-03
:: The Saga Continues
:: Here It Goes Again
:: Why It Always Gotta Be Me?
:: It Ain't Right
:: My Feet Are Pointed Straight
:: Frustration & Them Thangs

Here is some poetry that is related to the whole saga.

:: Hypnotic Spell
:: Thoughts Back
:: A Brief Moment
:: The Spell Is Gone
:: Spiraling Down

Frustration & Them Thangs

I still want to talk to Mama I about the added things to this saga. I like talking to her and Mama S. Although most of the time with both of them, the end up telling me about their issues. I have nearly given up trying to find a listener like me to talk to. I am probably one of a very few people who can listen without discussing my issues and dispensing unrequested advice. Jerry always dispenses advice unrequested, all the time; so for me, he is a last, very last resort. He gives good advice, but you haven't asked for it most of the time.

********************

I think Mama M is po-ed at me. She said some things in an email, some harsh things. I responded back harshly. I was having a rough day and I didn't like what she said and the way she said it. I felt the need to say how I felt. She responded back and told me to get a life, in those words.

She told Jerry about it and showed him the emails. Jerry, who goes off on whoever is standing in front of him at the time, tells me that I should not have responded in the manner that I did. Oh well, Mama M is po-ed at me. At this moment, I really don't care either.

I was trying to let Mama M be my confidant because she is sweet and touchy feely, but I always end up back to Mama I and Mama S. Mama S says that I think I want that sweet, touchy feely love, but what I really want is some tough, tell it like it is love. She might be right because both Mama S and Mama I have the same exact personality type.

Lord, have mercy on me.

********************

Why does Jerry have me passing notes from Mama M to Papa W. Jerry has his number and he can make a phone call. I ain't his secretary!

My Feet Are Pointed Straight

Last night during Bishop's exhortations at church, Bishop hit my toes, my legs, and my arm. He began talking about having to apologize when you don't feel that you did anything wrong. Then he said that sometimes, you have to make sure that you are right, so that your heart and conscious will be clear.

All I could say was, "Yes, Lord!"

After service, I apologized to N. Now, My feet are pointed in a straight path!

It Ain't Right

I have been thinking about my having to apologize to N. Part of me feels that it is necessary. The other part of me is like nig- PLEASE. Why I gotta apologize. I ain't done nothing.

It just don't seem fair, but as my mama so elegantly put it… "I want my feet pointed in a straight path!"

I wonder where she got that from.

Why It Always Gotta Be Me?

Jerry, Mama I, and I went to On the Border. It was enjoyable and fun. We did the usual routine, talked, etc. As we were driving home, Jerry and I began discussing life, etc. We got on the subject of D. I opened my mouth and said that I had probably flirted with D in front of N, unknowingly. Jerry said that I needed to apologize to her. Then Jerry said that God told him to tell me
to apologize.

Here It Goes Again

Well, the saga with D continues. I found out that he and N have been dating/whatever for over a year. I be dog gone. I know that during that time, I have done something flirtatious with him and probably in front of N.

Just when I think it’s over… Here it goes again!

The Saga Continues

I talked to Mama I earlier about the whole D situation. She let me get it all out. I shed a few tears.

It really hurts. The nigga lied to me at least 3 times.WHY?I really don’t get it. Mama I told me not to say anything to him at all, but I really want to. She said that I need to wait until the hurt, pain, and anger is resolved.

It felt good talking to Mama I. Her and Mama S have been blessings in my life. I’ll tell them one day.

Email to D About 4-2-03

Dear D,

Your news on Wednesday hit me like a ton of bricks. I was expecting you to say, "Deartra, N and I are dating." Not "Deartra, N and I are engaged."

I had already figured out that you and N had something more going on than you were saying. If you think about it, I hadn't flirted with you too much in a long while. I am just hurt that you couldn't tell me sooner about you and N.

I had asked you several times if you and N had something going on. You always told me no. Then I find out on Wednesday, that you all not only have something going on, but you all are engaged. You lied to me. I thought we had a better relationship than that. Man, you lied to me.

The best way I can explain to you how I feel is like this...

I walk into church one evening to see you and N standing in front of Bishop and he is performing a wedding ceremony. I walk down the side of the aisle and look at you. You look at me and shrug your shoulders.

You don't need to worry about me obsessing over you or anything. Long ago, I got over my feelings for you.

I am happy for you and I wish you and N the best.

We're still friends,
deartra

P.S. I wouldn't talk to Jerry for awhile. You lied to him, too. He is far less understanding when people lie to him than I am.

*****

I called him and left him a message to check his email. I'll let you know what happens later on.

Slapped Upside the Head

Well, I got slapped upside the head tonight. My thoughts about D and N were finally confirmed by D. What he told me was not what I expected. Get this, D told me that they are engaged. I be good googamooga, engaged.

All I said to him was ok. He kept asking me why was that all I was saying. I was thinking, "Nigga, I was expecting you to say that you all were dating, not that you all were engaged. You have lied to me more than once. You really don't want me to say what I am thinking."

I thought D and I were at least friends. I thought he could have told me this before now. I told that nigga stuff I very rarely tell anyone. See, that's why I dislike making friends. You get close to them and then something crazy happens.

He said that he was going to call me because we needed to talk. I don't really want to talk to him.

I am going to write D an email. I will be able to say what I feel that way.

There They Go Again

Well, there they go again. D and N were sitting together in church tonight. They have got to have something going on despite the fact that D keeps telling me that they don't. Jerry has asked D too, but D has told Jerry no as well.

It's over. Well, it was never meant to be.

That's that. I guess that's the way love goes. In my case, I never do anything the easy way. I always have to go the hard way.

Excuse me whilst I pray,
Lord, help to get over the feelings that I felt for D. I know I never had a chance with him. Give me the strength to overcome the hurt and pain that I feel.

D's Nails

D came up to the school today. He actually came by the church to pick up the cymbals from the drum set. He sat down and talked to me for awhile. I looked at his hands told him that they were dirty. I sat at the desk and cleaned them with the fingernail file that I had at my desk. I got a brief sensation while cleaning his nails. I quickly made the sensation go away.

I told him that the school was closing. I made sure that I told him not to tell anyone about it. He said that he was going to pray for me. He gave me a hug before he left.

Good grief that boy is too much for me! Why isn't he my age?

Email To D & From D This is what I sent to D...

I have been promising to email you. I don't want to be a liar. I hadn't emailed you because I couldn't think of anything to say.

You are getting very skilled at playing the drums. You sound very good. Everyone at church can tell when you aren't on the drums. I am not trying to inflate your ego or anything, but you sound even better than Name Omitted on the drums. I don't know if that is because of your skill or because Name Omitted's heart is not into playing the drums anymore. I am going to say that it is because of your skill. (SMILE.)

I don't get to see much these days since you want to be a BMW (Black Man Working). Every woman wants a BMW. (SMILE). I'm not mad at you.

There is not a lot new with me. I am writing a story online. You can check it out http://ladawnya.diaryland.com/. IF you have time, I know you are busy these days.

I have to run, these crazy children are acting up. I gotta go regulate.

Later,

deartra

This is what D sent to me...

Hey girl, I really wanted to thank you for all our encouragement. It really means alot to me. You are the one person that notices my playing all the time. Its surprises me soooooo much how much you actually listen. Thanks for supporting me. You won't have to worry about me getting "Big Headed". I know none of this would be possible if it wasn't for God. Ever since I came back from North Dakota I have been seriously concentrating on my playing and my relationship w/God. I just think its now starting to pay off. You don't have no idea how I practice everyday, and I do mean everyday. I'm not satisfied w/just being Good, I want to be great. I always think that everytime I play, I'm sitting at the Lords feet and he is just telling me to worship him. I want to give him my best everytime I play. I still have to get a whole lot better, but hopefully by the end of this year I'll be where I want to be skill wise.

Again, thank-you for just simply being there for me. I know I have been a little busy going to work and doing my music thing. I need to do a better job at keeping in contact with you. Especially since you have e-mail, I have no excuse. I will talk with you soon. Miss ya!

Love, D.

That's all I can do at the moment. I feel my emotions working on me again.

He Emailed Me!

I am playing dominoes on the computer. Why did the computer make me draw all of the dominoes in the bone yard? This has nothing to do with this entry. I just felt it.

Here's The Reason for this Entry...

D finally emailed me. I am glad. I have emailed him three or four times and he hasn't returned any of my emails. My heart did a flip when I saw that he had emailed me.

(Maybe I'm Not) Over Him
Maybe I'm not over him. Maybe I still wish a friend. He could be to me. Together forever be. Maybe I'm not over him.
He's gone. Gone away. Maybe I'm not over him.
I don't know what to do. My hearts still hurts to the core. I don't know what to do. Oh, Lord, please help me to go through. Cause maybe I'm not over him.

Here's the explanation behind D.

D is ten years younger than me. I would have to be difficult and decide to like someone that much younger than me. He is a guy from my church. My pastor and single's ministry director is quite adamant about younger men - older women relationships. So, it would probably be a real struggle if we decided to date.

A number of other people in my life have told me to go for it, but I haven't. I make myself not think about him. It hurts to know that you have feelings for someone and you can't do anything about it. I am too old for this.

Here are some poems I wrote about/for him.

• A Brief Moment


• Thoughts Back


• Hypnotic Spell

The poem mentioned above was not written about/for him. I wrote it about someone else, but the poem fit D, so I put it here.

He had been asking me to email him for the last two weeks. I had lept putting it off because I knew that it would cause me to feel emotions that I am trying to surpress.

Well, all day I am going to be feeling weird because of all of this. I am tearing up as I am writing this. I might have to put my name on the prayer list today. I can never do anything like a normal person. Abnormality is normal in the Madkins' family.

I am feeling too much emotion to finish this. I will try again later.

I didn't mean to go into all of this, but D finally emailed me.