I received FOUR Pride Sitckers this month.
Y Y Y Y
This is the personal diary of deartra d. Boone, where she posts her current thoughts, feelings, interests, and other things as needed. Everything that is written here, is In HER Own Voice!
1.31.2007
Writing, Rather the Lack Thereof
I have challenged myself to try to write at least 800 words a day. I really want to write 1,000 words a day, but 800 seemed more obtainable with my schedule. I have found it hard to do. The most I have written in one day is 836 words. That was a combination of writing
I am having a hard time trying to find time to write. I have a crazy schedule and it does not afford me much time to get into a continuous stream of writing. I get up at 6 AM to take my husband to work. He has to be there at 8 AM. I don't have to be at work until 9 AM. Well, there is an hour that I have to kill, but I don't have a quiet spot where I can write. When I do find a spot, I only have 15 or 20 minutes to write. Once I get into a flow, it's time to go.
I work from 9-5 with a half hour lunch, so I can't find much time to write during that time.
On most days, after work, I have to take my husband to school. So, I am still going. When I do stop running, I am so tired that I don't feel like looking at a computer, much less writing anything.
When I do put fingers to keyboard to write, the words flow. It's just trying to get my fingers to the keyboard. It's hard to start, knowing that at any moment I may get interrupted and have to stop writing. I am trying to write something everyday, even if it is only a journal entry.
I am going to do it. I can't wait until the summer though; I will so much free time that I should be able to write like crazy. I am speaking that, so it will be. :)
I am having a hard time trying to find time to write. I have a crazy schedule and it does not afford me much time to get into a continuous stream of writing. I get up at 6 AM to take my husband to work. He has to be there at 8 AM. I don't have to be at work until 9 AM. Well, there is an hour that I have to kill, but I don't have a quiet spot where I can write. When I do find a spot, I only have 15 or 20 minutes to write. Once I get into a flow, it's time to go.
I work from 9-5 with a half hour lunch, so I can't find much time to write during that time.
On most days, after work, I have to take my husband to school. So, I am still going. When I do stop running, I am so tired that I don't feel like looking at a computer, much less writing anything.
When I do put fingers to keyboard to write, the words flow. It's just trying to get my fingers to the keyboard. It's hard to start, knowing that at any moment I may get interrupted and have to stop writing. I am trying to write something everyday, even if it is only a journal entry.
I am going to do it. I can't wait until the summer though; I will so much free time that I should be able to write like crazy. I am speaking that, so it will be. :)
1.30.2007
Enduring to the End
Have you ever been waiting on something to happen? Have you ever been waiting to be delivered from a situation? Endurance, that is what it takes to last. It seems as if this current generation does not have any endurance. Endurance is the fact or power of enduring or bearing pain, hardships, and more. It is also defined as the ability or strength to continue or last, despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions; stamina.
I am waiting on God to deliver me from a situation. It has been a hard fought journey and I haven't always made the journey easy. It seems like it is taking forever. I have always prayed, Lord help me get through this. I don't like praying Lord; get me out of this now, because that means I will have to go through it again. I am waiting patiently to be delivered. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now. It is a very dim light, but I can see it.
To endure, takes a certain mind set. You have to determine in your mind that you are going to endure. You also need to have it settled in your spirit that you are going to endure. The fleshly man always wants to quit and give up. But, if your spirit man is settled, then you can endure.
It gets hard time, waiting on God. I have devised a set of questions that help me to wait on God...
* Can I do anything to fix the problem?
* If I try and fix the problem, will I make things worse?
Once I answer these two questions, then I go from there. If I can fix, then I fix it. If I can't fix it, then I tell myself I have to wait on God. That's where the hard part comes in.
For most of my life, I heard the older saints say, "He (God) may not some when you want Him, but He is always on time." I never understood it until recent years. We always want God to come at the moment that we ask Him, but that is not always the right time. When God does appear, He always appears right before it is the last moment. Then the saying rings true.
I am still holding on and waiting for my change to come. There have been moments when I thought about acting a fool and quitting, but I have not done that. It is taking everything in me to endure.
I have the strength to continue or last, despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions.
I am waiting on God to deliver me from a situation. It has been a hard fought journey and I haven't always made the journey easy. It seems like it is taking forever. I have always prayed, Lord help me get through this. I don't like praying Lord; get me out of this now, because that means I will have to go through it again. I am waiting patiently to be delivered. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now. It is a very dim light, but I can see it.
To endure, takes a certain mind set. You have to determine in your mind that you are going to endure. You also need to have it settled in your spirit that you are going to endure. The fleshly man always wants to quit and give up. But, if your spirit man is settled, then you can endure.
It gets hard time, waiting on God. I have devised a set of questions that help me to wait on God...
* Can I do anything to fix the problem?
* If I try and fix the problem, will I make things worse?
Once I answer these two questions, then I go from there. If I can fix, then I fix it. If I can't fix it, then I tell myself I have to wait on God. That's where the hard part comes in.
For most of my life, I heard the older saints say, "He (God) may not some when you want Him, but He is always on time." I never understood it until recent years. We always want God to come at the moment that we ask Him, but that is not always the right time. When God does appear, He always appears right before it is the last moment. Then the saying rings true.
I am still holding on and waiting for my change to come. There have been moments when I thought about acting a fool and quitting, but I have not done that. It is taking everything in me to endure.
I have the strength to continue or last, despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions.
1.29.2007
Frustrations
Sometimes, life can be so frustrating. Crazy things happen. I mean crazy things that don't make any sense. I have had things happen to me that I can't even make up. Stuff that just doesn't make sense.
One day, I woke up feeling fine. There was nothing wrong with me. All of a sudden out of the blue, I get diarrhea. I had not eaten anything. I had not drunk anything. I just got sick. I still have yet to figure that day out. Things went downhill after that. That happened like 5 years ago. I remember it to this day. That's the kind of crazy stuff that frustrates me.
When I get frustrated, I get irritated. I mean everything irritates me. It seems like everything goes crazy when I get frustrated. Everything moves slower. People seem to act crazier. Traffic seems to be crazy. Ugh!
This is just irritatingly frustrating.
One day, I woke up feeling fine. There was nothing wrong with me. All of a sudden out of the blue, I get diarrhea. I had not eaten anything. I had not drunk anything. I just got sick. I still have yet to figure that day out. Things went downhill after that. That happened like 5 years ago. I remember it to this day. That's the kind of crazy stuff that frustrates me.
When I get frustrated, I get irritated. I mean everything irritates me. It seems like everything goes crazy when I get frustrated. Everything moves slower. People seem to act crazier. Traffic seems to be crazy. Ugh!
This is just irritatingly frustrating.
1.25.2007
Gossiping Thoughts
I am currently working on a series of short stories entitled, Gossip. I was just thinking about gossip as I typed up one of the stories. It is amazing how quickly a Christian can get caught up into gossip. I know from experience.
I did not grow up in a gossiping household. We did not do taht. Even now, my mother is the last person to know any kind of gossip. Once it gets to her, it is usually 6 months old. We did not have a gossiping spirit at our church either.
At one of my more recent church homes, I became caught up in gossiping. It was easy to do because the pastor has a gossiping spirit, and the whole church has that same spirit, but they call it "SHARING INFORMATION." That's a load of bull because it is flat out talkign about people.
My brother and I happen to know some people, who know some people, who know some more important people. So, we have access to some of the top gossip about well known people in the religious arena. My brother and I got caught up into gossiping with the pastor. We were the ones who verified any gossip that he heard. We got deep into it, too.
In all honesty, it was fun being the one who knew the gossip. I ain't even gonna lie. That was a rush, to have people coming up to me and saying, "Is it true, what I heard about SO IN SO?" It felt good. (Sin is fun and it feels good for awhile.)
Things turned bad when my brother and I were the ones on the receiving end of the gossip. (Read a little about that here.) It is a lot more fun telling the gossip than it is being the one who talked about. Lord, have mercy.
Now, I am no longer into gossiping. I have to pray though, because it is hard to resist wanting to know more when someone says, "Have you heard what happened to SO IN SO?" It takes a lot to not say, "What happened?"
Be careful what you say about others. Someone may end up talking about you.
I did not grow up in a gossiping household. We did not do taht. Even now, my mother is the last person to know any kind of gossip. Once it gets to her, it is usually 6 months old. We did not have a gossiping spirit at our church either.
At one of my more recent church homes, I became caught up in gossiping. It was easy to do because the pastor has a gossiping spirit, and the whole church has that same spirit, but they call it "SHARING INFORMATION." That's a load of bull because it is flat out talkign about people.
My brother and I happen to know some people, who know some people, who know some more important people. So, we have access to some of the top gossip about well known people in the religious arena. My brother and I got caught up into gossiping with the pastor. We were the ones who verified any gossip that he heard. We got deep into it, too.
In all honesty, it was fun being the one who knew the gossip. I ain't even gonna lie. That was a rush, to have people coming up to me and saying, "Is it true, what I heard about SO IN SO?" It felt good. (Sin is fun and it feels good for awhile.)
Things turned bad when my brother and I were the ones on the receiving end of the gossip. (Read a little about that here.) It is a lot more fun telling the gossip than it is being the one who talked about. Lord, have mercy.
Now, I am no longer into gossiping. I have to pray though, because it is hard to resist wanting to know more when someone says, "Have you heard what happened to SO IN SO?" It takes a lot to not say, "What happened?"
Be careful what you say about others. Someone may end up talking about you.
1.01.2007
Pride Stickers
I am setting goals for myself this year to write a certain amount of words each day. If I reach my daily goal, I will place a pride sticker on my laptop for that day.
I can receive multiple stickers for each day if I write over the daily goal.
I love getting stickers on my computer.
I can receive multiple stickers for each day if I write over the daily goal.
I love getting stickers on my computer.
10.31.2006
6.18.2003
5.09.2003
The Saga
Here's the whole Saga with D and I from the beginning to this point.
:: He Emailed Me
:: Email To D & From D
:: D's Nails
:: There They Go Again
:: Slapped Upside the Head
:: Email to D About 4-2-03
:: The Saga Continues
:: Here It Goes Again
:: Why It Always Gotta Be Me?
:: It Ain't Right
:: My Feet Are Pointed Straight
:: Frustration & Them Thangs
Here is some poetry that is related to the whole saga.
:: Hypnotic Spell
:: Thoughts Back
:: A Brief Moment
:: The Spell Is Gone
:: Spiraling Down
:: He Emailed Me
:: Email To D & From D
:: D's Nails
:: There They Go Again
:: Slapped Upside the Head
:: Email to D About 4-2-03
:: The Saga Continues
:: Here It Goes Again
:: Why It Always Gotta Be Me?
:: It Ain't Right
:: My Feet Are Pointed Straight
:: Frustration & Them Thangs
Here is some poetry that is related to the whole saga.
:: Hypnotic Spell
:: Thoughts Back
:: A Brief Moment
:: The Spell Is Gone
:: Spiraling Down
5.08.2003
Frustration & Them Thangs
I still want to talk to Mama I about the added things to this saga. I like talking to her and Mama S. Although most of the time with both of them, the end up telling me about their issues. I have nearly given up trying to find a listener like me to talk to. I am probably one of a very few people who can listen without discussing my issues and dispensing unrequested advice. Jerry always dispenses advice unrequested, all the time; so for me, he is a last, very last resort. He gives good advice, but you haven't asked for it most of the time.
********************
I think Mama M is po-ed at me. She said some things in an email, some harsh things. I responded back harshly. I was having a rough day and I didn't like what she said and the way she said it. I felt the need to say how I felt. She responded back and told me to get a life, in those words.
She told Jerry about it and showed him the emails. Jerry, who goes off on whoever is standing in front of him at the time, tells me that I should not have responded in the manner that I did. Oh well, Mama M is po-ed at me. At this moment, I really don't care either.
I was trying to let Mama M be my confidant because she is sweet and touchy feely, but I always end up back to Mama I and Mama S. Mama S says that I think I want that sweet, touchy feely love, but what I really want is some tough, tell it like it is love. She might be right because both Mama S and Mama I have the same exact personality type.
Lord, have mercy on me.
********************
Why does Jerry have me passing notes from Mama M to Papa W. Jerry has his number and he can make a phone call. I ain't his secretary!
********************
I think Mama M is po-ed at me. She said some things in an email, some harsh things. I responded back harshly. I was having a rough day and I didn't like what she said and the way she said it. I felt the need to say how I felt. She responded back and told me to get a life, in those words.
She told Jerry about it and showed him the emails. Jerry, who goes off on whoever is standing in front of him at the time, tells me that I should not have responded in the manner that I did. Oh well, Mama M is po-ed at me. At this moment, I really don't care either.
I was trying to let Mama M be my confidant because she is sweet and touchy feely, but I always end up back to Mama I and Mama S. Mama S says that I think I want that sweet, touchy feely love, but what I really want is some tough, tell it like it is love. She might be right because both Mama S and Mama I have the same exact personality type.
Lord, have mercy on me.
********************
Why does Jerry have me passing notes from Mama M to Papa W. Jerry has his number and he can make a phone call. I ain't his secretary!
My Feet Are Pointed Straight
Last night during Bishop's exhortations at church, Bishop hit my toes, my legs, and my arm. He began talking about having to apologize when you don't feel that you did anything wrong. Then he said that sometimes, you have to make sure that you are right, so that your heart and conscious will be clear.
All I could say was, "Yes, Lord!"
After service, I apologized to N. Now, My feet are pointed in a straight path!
All I could say was, "Yes, Lord!"
After service, I apologized to N. Now, My feet are pointed in a straight path!
It Ain't Right
I have been thinking about my having to apologize to N. Part of me feels that it is necessary. The other part of me is like nig- PLEASE. Why I gotta apologize. I ain't done nothing.
It just don't seem fair, but as my mama so elegantly put it… "I want my feet pointed in a straight path!"
I wonder where she got that from.
It just don't seem fair, but as my mama so elegantly put it… "I want my feet pointed in a straight path!"
I wonder where she got that from.
5.04.2003
Why It Always Gotta Be Me?
Jerry, Mama I, and I went to On the Border. It was enjoyable and fun. We did the usual routine, talked, etc. As we were driving home, Jerry and I began discussing life, etc. We got on the subject of D. I opened my mouth and said that I had probably flirted with D in front of N, unknowingly. Jerry said that I needed to apologize to her. Then Jerry said that God told him to tell me
to apologize.
to apologize.
4.30.2003
Here It Goes Again
Well, the saga with D continues. I found out that he and N have been dating/whatever for over a year. I be dog gone. I know that during that time, I have done something flirtatious with him and probably in front of N.
Just when I think it’s over… Here it goes again!
Just when I think it’s over… Here it goes again!
The Saga Continues
I talked to Mama I earlier about the whole D situation. She let me get it all out. I shed a few tears.
It really hurts. The nigga lied to me at least 3 times.WHY?I really don’t get it. Mama I told me not to say anything to him at all, but I really want to. She said that I need to wait until the hurt, pain, and anger is resolved.
It felt good talking to Mama I. Her and Mama S have been blessings in my life. I’ll tell them one day.
It really hurts. The nigga lied to me at least 3 times.WHY?I really don’t get it. Mama I told me not to say anything to him at all, but I really want to. She said that I need to wait until the hurt, pain, and anger is resolved.
It felt good talking to Mama I. Her and Mama S have been blessings in my life. I’ll tell them one day.
4.04.2003
No Spring Chicken
I have been added to a journal list called No Spring Chicken. It is a list for people over 30 who have diaries. Now, I know that I am getting old.
4.03.2003
Email to D About 4-2-03
Dear D,
Your news on Wednesday hit me like a ton of bricks. I was expecting you to say, "Deartra, N and I are dating." Not "Deartra, N and I are engaged."
I had already figured out that you and N had something more going on than you were saying. If you think about it, I hadn't flirted with you too much in a long while. I am just hurt that you couldn't tell me sooner about you and N.
I had asked you several times if you and N had something going on. You always told me no. Then I find out on Wednesday, that you all not only have something going on, but you all are engaged. You lied to me. I thought we had a better relationship than that. Man, you lied to me.
The best way I can explain to you how I feel is like this...
I walk into church one evening to see you and N standing in front of Bishop and he is performing a wedding ceremony. I walk down the side of the aisle and look at you. You look at me and shrug your shoulders.
You don't need to worry about me obsessing over you or anything. Long ago, I got over my feelings for you.
I am happy for you and I wish you and N the best.
We're still friends,
deartra
P.S. I wouldn't talk to Jerry for awhile. You lied to him, too. He is far less understanding when people lie to him than I am.
*****
I called him and left him a message to check his email. I'll let you know what happens later on.
Your news on Wednesday hit me like a ton of bricks. I was expecting you to say, "Deartra, N and I are dating." Not "Deartra, N and I are engaged."
I had already figured out that you and N had something more going on than you were saying. If you think about it, I hadn't flirted with you too much in a long while. I am just hurt that you couldn't tell me sooner about you and N.
I had asked you several times if you and N had something going on. You always told me no. Then I find out on Wednesday, that you all not only have something going on, but you all are engaged. You lied to me. I thought we had a better relationship than that. Man, you lied to me.
The best way I can explain to you how I feel is like this...
I walk into church one evening to see you and N standing in front of Bishop and he is performing a wedding ceremony. I walk down the side of the aisle and look at you. You look at me and shrug your shoulders.
You don't need to worry about me obsessing over you or anything. Long ago, I got over my feelings for you.
I am happy for you and I wish you and N the best.
We're still friends,
deartra
P.S. I wouldn't talk to Jerry for awhile. You lied to him, too. He is far less understanding when people lie to him than I am.
*****
I called him and left him a message to check his email. I'll let you know what happens later on.
4.02.2003
Slapped Upside the Head
Well, I got slapped upside the head tonight. My thoughts about D and N were finally confirmed by D. What he told me was not what I expected. Get this, D told me that they are engaged. I be good googamooga, engaged.
All I said to him was ok. He kept asking me why was that all I was saying. I was thinking, "Nigga, I was expecting you to say that you all were dating, not that you all were engaged. You have lied to me more than once. You really don't want me to say what I am thinking."
I thought D and I were at least friends. I thought he could have told me this before now. I told that nigga stuff I very rarely tell anyone. See, that's why I dislike making friends. You get close to them and then something crazy happens.
He said that he was going to call me because we needed to talk. I don't really want to talk to him.
I am going to write D an email. I will be able to say what I feel that way.
All I said to him was ok. He kept asking me why was that all I was saying. I was thinking, "Nigga, I was expecting you to say that you all were dating, not that you all were engaged. You have lied to me more than once. You really don't want me to say what I am thinking."
I thought D and I were at least friends. I thought he could have told me this before now. I told that nigga stuff I very rarely tell anyone. See, that's why I dislike making friends. You get close to them and then something crazy happens.
He said that he was going to call me because we needed to talk. I don't really want to talk to him.
I am going to write D an email. I will be able to say what I feel that way.
4.01.2003
Bad Day, Good Word
I have had a horrible day so far today. I decided to write an email to two mailing list groups that I am on. I felt a lot better after I wrote the email.
Later on that day...
I received a call from ProStaff. The person on the phone says that they are submitting my resume to a company that has a position open.
Thank you Lord for the good news. I needed it.
Later on that day...
I received a call from ProStaff. The person on the phone says that they are submitting my resume to a company that has a position open.
Thank you Lord for the good news. I needed it.
3.31.2003
Gray Hair - Ugh!
I just saw a gray hair while combing my hair. Ugh!
I have to wait until Jerry gets home because he is the one that always pulls my gray hairs out for me. I don't have the nerve to pull them out myself. This is gray hair number 4.
I am getting old ya'll. Ugh!
I have to wait until Jerry gets home because he is the one that always pulls my gray hairs out for me. I don't have the nerve to pull them out myself. This is gray hair number 4.
I am getting old ya'll. Ugh!
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