Lonely In Lewisville

I have always battled with feeling lonely and having "no friends". It is easy for me to feel lonely because I am a loner. I have a hard time making friends, too. I have made a few friends on my own, but most of the friends I have made have been through my brother. A lot of the friends I made through him I can't tell you where they are. That's a whole nother story for another time.

These days, I am feeling so lonely. My family is far away. My friends are in the area, but it is a 30 minute or so drive. I can rarely get them to come out here, even for special occasions. I get sick of having to be the one to travel to see them. I am usually the one who calls and then folk get upset with me for not calling more often. Its like, "Can't you call me?"

Anyway, I am lonely. I don't get to fellowship with the people at church. A few of the ladies at church know who I am, but it still ain't the same. I don't feel like I have anyone who cares about me, enough to check on me. I don't have a mother figure, a sister, or anything. Man, I miss my family. I hate being here like this. I can't hang out with anyone. Almost everything I do, I have to do it by myself. I get so sick of doing stuff by myself. I can't even call anyone to come pick me up and go somewhere. I don't know anybody around here like that. I can barely call somebody to give me a ride to church. That's very disheartening. I wanna go to church and stuff, but I don't have a way all the time.

The people at school make me feel so left out at times. A lot of them go to the same church, so they are always talking about stuff that goes on at their church. I don't have a lot in common with the teachers from my class. I try to "be apart of the group," but it still ain't what I need. I am probably making a bigger deal about stuff than I need to. Although, I know that they know each others families. Yet again, I am left out of "the group." How is it that I am never able to get "my family" to be a part of my professional life? I still ain't figured that one out yet. I got a feeling that when things clear up, it will be the same. But that's the way things are in my life.

At the Fall Festival, they had their families at the festival. They had friends to work their station with. Why did I end up at a station by myself? On top of that, it was hard getting people to come be a part of my station. I had the music station. People were supposed to dance. It was like pulling teeth to get those kids to come dance.

I hate being me sometimes. Why I gotta be so shy?

I hate not being able to fellowship at church like I want to. That's all I have. But, I can't fellowship right now. I know that it is going to change one of these. It's just so hard right now. I am so tired of feeling alienated and out in the wilderness. Longing for a motherly hug from one of the church ladies is getting old. I know all I have to do is wait for a change. Although, I am not sure how much things will change. I appreciate the moments that I can get from time to time. Then it gets even harder because those moments make me want more moments like that.

Westside is that kind of church, but you have to be the one to make yourself available. The church is so big that people don't particularly notice you unless you make yourself available. I hate big churches for that very reason. At least at small churches, it is easier for people to notice you. I can't stand feeling lost in the crowd.

I get so frustrated when opportunities to fellowship are passed up for no apparent reason. I can't even understand it. I ask for a reason, but I don't get one. That makes things even worse. I still ain't figured out why we couldn't fellowship this afternoon. There wasn't any reason. There is no school. We aren't doing anything other than goofing around. The goofing around could have been postponed for 30 minutes. I wish I knew the reason, maybe then I wouldn't feel so let down.

I have prayed about it. I will keep praying about it. I will have to keep waiting. Until then, I guess I will keep making up people in my head to be my friends. That's some mess. Maybe that's what makes me such a good writer, I make up all of my friends.

Recently, I found out that someone that I am close to is getting a divorce from her husband. I knew the husband first. I am still adjusting to that news. Then I heard that the woman cheated on the husband. How am I supposed to process that kind of information? The woman is my girl. I am close to her. She is the closet thing to a best friend that I have. I haven't asked her about any of this yet. I don't even want to ask her. If she says that it is true, I will be totally crushed. I can't even begin to figure out how to deal with this. If this ain't about some craziness.

Yes, I have a husband, but I need to fellowship with some women every now and then. Girl power rules.

I am going to go to bed now. I am all cried out.

Lord, help me to not feel so lonely. I know that I am not alone, but I still feel so disconnected and alone. Work out my situation so that I can fellowship with my church family more. Amen.